Like most other teenagers, who turn out to be gay, the last couple of years I’ve gone through hell! It took me till I was about 18 to realise that I could not go on the way I was living any more and would have to come out. I suppose i’d known for a few years, at first thinking it was a phase, then thinking I could hav been Bisexual, then just completely denying it to myself. I know I should’ve been stronger and come to terms with it sooner, but Glasgow isn’t really a very gay friendly city.
Most of the people around me would always be making homophobic comments, and worst of all, the older brother of one of my former mates was in jail for murder after going out “gay bashing”. I went through a time of crying myself to sleep, waking up feeling ashamed of myself, and being disgusted at myself, thinking I was a freak. anyway, i had already decided to move away from glasgow to go to uni, and knew that when I moved down to england, I would have a clean slate to come out.
I suppose the idea of coming out to complete strangers seemed a whole lot easier, if more than a little cowardly. in the weeks before leaving, I tried my best to tell at least someone close to me, although it’s not exactly a subject that comes up in conversation very much, and I found it hard to just blurt out with it.
So I moved down south and still hadn’t told anyone. As my new flatmates moved in, I had gotten to know them quite well in the first week, I kept on agreeing with the guys comments about women, but could never find the right occasion. That occasion finally came in freshers week when we all went out on the piss for the first time. When we were all really drunk, I ended up wearing one of the girls’ red fluffy jackets, and she proceeded to tell everyone around us that I was gay. I was having a great laugh to myself, and knew that I’d have to tell them later that night. even on the bus when my flatmates were telling everyone I was gay, I still went along with it, but my flatmates still didn’t click that I wasn’t just taking the piss.
We got back to the flat and me, still wearing the jacket decides to really take the piss and prance around acting really camp. It finally happened when one of them jokingly said “you know if there’s something you want to tell us, tell us now!”, to which I replied, “well, actually, I am gay!” I thought to myself “that wasn’t hard now, was it?”, but as I’m really straight acting and not really fitting the stereotype gay man, NONE of them believed me!!! I sat there, continuously insisting that YES, I WAS GAY!!, but it took about 3 hours until most of them believed me.
The 2 girls were the first to change their mind, thinking back to earlier that day when I seemed to love shopping more than they did!!! anyway, everyone was surprisingly cool about it, and although they occasionally take the piss out of me for being a “queer”, I know they don’t really mean it. From then on, I couldn’t wait to tell everyone. It took a while to come out at work, but the day after the first time I went on a work night out, I went in for a drink at work, and one of my supervisors was asking me for the gossip on what happened with me and this girl I work beside, who I’d been talking to all night. when I replied “abolutely nothing”, she asked me “why not?”, to which I replied “Well, for a start I’m gay!!!” with a big smirk on my face. “oh, are you?” she said before proceeding to ask me about a hundred questions about being gay and what sort of men i’d go for, etc.etc.
I got really embarrased when I told this other girl I work beside, and she relied “oh, that’ll be why you’re so nice!!” so everything’s been OK so far, it’s 3 months now and I’ve not really had any bad reactions to it yet, although I am 19 now and at uni, so everyone’s a bit more mature about it. I’ve only been out on the scene twice so far. I was nervous at first, but it wasn’t the big cheesy queensville (I thought it would be and it no longer intimidates me. OK, it is REALLY cheesy, but I can put up with that given the right amount of alcohol!) Now that I’m more secure about it, I’ll definately go out on the scene more.
One guy in the LGBT+ group (a completely irritating queen) kept urging me to go pull, so I could lose my “v plates”, which I found SO F***ING ANNOYING! I’m not in a major hurry to go out and pull guys, I’d rather a relationship than lots of one night stands, and I’d rather know the guy BEFORE I sleep with him, although that’s not to say I’m saving myself for mr. right. I feel bad about not telling my parents and my mates first, but when I go home over Christmas I’ll definately be telling everyone I care about and love, now that I’m more secure about who I am.
I know my parents and close mates’ll be OK about it now, I just didn’t feel ready to tell them before. I know it sounds corny, but I feel free for the first time in years. I hope that this letter helps somebody out there in coming out, I feel better now that I’ve written it. good luck to everyone who’s coming out in the near future, ryan